i am forgiven…

oh dear…
i have yet to start writing this blog, i am already having a lump in my throat..
this morning, my sister reminded me that it will be Tiris’ 14th birthday (June 8th). HOW COULD I??? how could i forget the birthday of the little girl who is very much part of my life…  (read: Happy Birthday to my Bebeto)

have you heard of the condition of having a selective memory? in medical terms, it is called Lacunar Amnesia (i read all about it) briefly described as an amnesia only for certain events. Further, it does exist to someone who refuses to remember an experience in one’s life which is caused by his/her own doing, and from which guilt or loneliness may come about and the sense of hopelessness or low self esteem may arise again.

after Therese (or Bebeto, a pet name we used to call her for “my baby” in the vernacular baby talk) and i went our separate ways 4 years ago, i have refused to look at her pictures, refused to browse through my photo CDs collected over the years when she was with me, refused to hear any news how she was doing in the States with her family, i shut off my communications with my siblings and no one ever mentioned her to me, and if they did, i just hear it but never listen,  until such time that i have learned that God Himself has forgiven me…. the guilt of not choosing to keep Therese was like a huge mountain over my shoulders, it was a burden. i have had sleepless nights that my Dersky was already worrying for me.

but as always, God has been my only refuge in times of crisis, as the bible says “Be still and know that i am God” Psalm 46:10, only then i heard Him comforting me, and telling me to just “Trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding” Proverbs 3:5.

now i know things happen in my life as God plans them to happen, all i have to do is to trust in Him and stop blaming myself, to just move on and look forward to better days. anyone who carries the same guilt i did, remember God forgives as long as we admit our mistakes and that “there is therefore now no condemnatiion for those who are in Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1

slowly, i was able to embrace the fact that Therese is now a pretty young lady, and i am happy to hear stories about her and anticipating to see her soon when we plan our travel to the states.

and lastly, forgetting her birthday this time is… plain memory lapses due to ageing?? but, as i have said, God has forgiven me and life goes on…

M.

 

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